Mondays are usually my days for rehabilitating after the weekend: drinking plenty of water, start eating clean healthy foods again, sleeping in, stressing, sulking. Mondays are my good-bad days, but I’ve worked them into my weekly schedule. I don’t plan to do anything on Mondays. I simply rest.
Tuesdays I pick my life back up. I clean the house, stand up early, start my weeks yoga and meditation, sometimes I’d go for a jog or go riding a few miles with the bike. But its been winter and still raining most mornings so exercise usually waits till the afternoon.
Tuesdays are my wake up days. My “back-to-real-life” days. My Monday; except I actually love this Monday.
The past months has been extremely good, my life had started taking direction and form. But this morning when I woke up I had a little dark cloud over my head. Being someone who has previously suffered from depression this is not a very nice feeling to wake up to. It’s not just a normal bad day, it means there might be weeks or months of BAD coming. I’m not good with bad. I usually go into deep, dark spirals of dark things; drinking, hurting other people(not in a murderous way), doing reckless life wrecking things. All in a pathetic attempt to re-find my joy, my grace, my happiness.
That is how it was before. That was my process to find a changed, more broken version of myself.
The Universe works in seasons I believe, maybe now a more difficult season is coming. But I am grounded this time. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been before. But perhaps the few months of “summer” is past now. Which is already enough of a sadness.
Some people will always confuse us, mess us up a little, makes our worlds a little darker. Not because they are bad people …not at all, there are no bad people in my opinion. There are simply people who are moving and living their lives in the wrong kind of energies, surrounded and influenced by things that happen; that hurt, scar and influenced the things that they do not know how to handle or cope with, they react in ways that might hurt other people and even themselves.
The way that we are negatively influenced, or receive a bad sort of vibe from these people is simply because we connect to the source, the original energy of these people, binding us to them and then all these other things may hurt us. (This is the way I seem to see and understand it.)
I have such a person in my life, and although lately I see him only every few months, when I do see him, there is an instant mess inside my head. I strongly believe that he was one of my soul mates, he’s also an ex lover so the connection goes a little deeper than that of a friendship. We still try to be friends, but I think we both just get confused when we are in each others presence.
Although I deeply love and care for this person I know that I can not spend too much time with him, he drains my energy to an absolute limit. Its not always bad, we’ve simply lived past the thing we had to teach and affect each other, this person was the one that made me alive once, showed me a purpose in my life…or simply gave life to my life.
And although we share a part of our lives, a good part, how turns out to be now is that he messes with my head. Makes me think in a different, irresponsible, careless way. He lights a wild fire in me and makes me question myself. Makes me aware of things that otherwise I never would have known existed, the bad things inside myself. The ones that are selfish, vain and miserable.
I was in the presence of him a couple of weeks ago. Overall it was a rough, tiring weekend. It started out with a funeral on Friday …and a very hot day after a long busy(working) week. And an entire bottle of “Balance” wine; by myself. The weekend started with a hangover and then another night of partying and then another. Two nights in a row is already a no, but three is completely out of the question. Drunkenness brings things out in people, things that stick.
And something stuck that weekend.
There is a lot of light, meditation and positive thinking needed here.