The Someone from my past

Mondays are usually my days for rehabilitating after the weekend: drinking plenty of water, start eating clean healthy foods again, sleeping in, stressing, sulking. Mondays are my good-bad days, but I’ve worked them into my weekly schedule. I don’t plan to do anything on Mondays. I simply rest.

Tuesdays I pick my life back up. I clean the house, stand up early, start my weeks yoga and meditation, sometimes I’d go for a jog or go riding a few miles with the bike. But its been winter and still raining most mornings so exercise usually waits till the afternoon.

Tuesdays are my wake up days. My “back-to-real-life” days. My Monday; except I actually love this Monday.

The past months has been extremely good, my life had started taking direction and form. But this morning when I woke up I had a little dark cloud over my head. Being someone who has previously suffered from depression this is not a very nice feeling to wake up to. It’s not just a normal bad day, it means there might be weeks or months of BAD coming. I’m not good with bad. I usually go into deep, dark spirals of dark things; drinking, hurting other people(not in a murderous way), doing reckless life wrecking things. All in a pathetic attempt to re-find my joy, my grace, my happiness.

That is how it was before. That was my process to find a changed, more broken version of myself.

The Universe works in seasons I believe, maybe now a more difficult season is coming. But I am grounded this time. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been before. But perhaps the few months of “summer” is past now. Which is already enough of a sadness.

Some people will always confuse us, mess us up a little, makes our worlds a little darker. Not because they are bad people …not at all, there are no bad people in my opinion. There are simply people who are moving and living their lives in the wrong kind of energies, surrounded and influenced by things that happen; that hurt, scar and influenced the things that they do not know how to handle or cope with, they react in ways that might hurt other people and even themselves.

The way that we are negatively influenced, or receive a bad sort of vibe from these people is simply because we connect to the source, the original energy of these people, binding us to them and then all these other things may hurt us. (This is the way I seem to see and understand it.)

I have such a person in my life, and although lately I see him only every few months, when I do see him, there is an instant mess inside my head. I strongly believe that he was one of my soul mates, he’s also an ex lover so the connection goes a little deeper than that of a friendship. We still try to be friends, but I think we both just get confused when we are in each others presence.

Although I deeply love and care for this person I know that I can not spend too much time with him, he drains my energy to an absolute limit. Its not always bad, we’ve simply lived past the thing we had to teach and affect each other, this person was the one that made me alive once, showed me a purpose in my life…or simply gave life to my life.

And although we share a part of our lives, a good part, how turns out to be now is that he messes with my head. Makes me think in a different, irresponsible, careless way. He lights a wild fire in me and makes me question myself. Makes me aware of things that otherwise I never would have known existed, the bad things inside myself. The ones that are selfish, vain and miserable.

I was in the presence of him a couple of weeks ago. Overall it was a rough, tiring weekend. It started out with a funeral on Friday …and a very hot day after a long busy(working) week. And an entire bottle of “Balance” wine; by myself. The weekend started with a hangover and then another night of partying and then another. Two nights in a row is already a no, but three is completely out of the question. Drunkenness brings things out in people, things that stick.

And something stuck that weekend.

There is a lot of light, meditation and positive thinking needed here.

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emotional food

Some days I’m just not in the mood to cook. Allot of people can second me on that. Some days you simply crave chocolate and red wine, sometimes after a long day you just want to crawl into bed with your pyjamas and eat popcorn with a movie.

And then occasionally…no matter the cold weather, but this afternoon I craved fruit. Even if it is cold outside and the wind is stormy.

I went to the shop yesterday and bought my raw vegan diet some ingredients. A punnet of strawberries and a pack of kiwis being a part of my shopping. Which is what I ate this afternoon(just some of it).

Along with the kiwis came a little plastic “spoonife”, its funny the marketing that we end up falling for, but I bought those kiwis for that plastic spoon.

Fruit is my therapy(that and meditation). Just taking a bite from that sweet juicy flesh I can already feel the emotional cleansing. It feels as if an emotional burden has been taken off my back. The sweetness makes me smile. It quite literally makes me smile. It makes me happy. Healthy. Positive.

People should be treating depression with fresh, organic fruit, fresh air and water. Along with a quiet, peaceful place and space for creativity and expression.

Fruit motivates me. Food motivates me. The challenge of eating healthy inspires me. I will admit, that lone takes on a certain amount of creativity. Creativity feeds creativity.

Eating simple and clean foods is the perfect way for me to get in tact with my meditation and my Sacral chakra. Especially with fruit, Svadhisthana means sweetness after all.

I love the way that the body(and what you eat/physical health) is so directly connected to our spirituality.

Zen

It is strange how some days you just wake up feeling completely down and other days you feel like you can take on the entire world.

Today is a good day, the sun is shining and I feel completely at peace, like my life is on track. My mind is cleared from negative thinking.

I’ve envisioned my life “perfect” and my vision has become a reality. I’m yet to to find contentment with that. And to find some sense of gratefulness.

I have been slacking on the practices of my spiritual life. It’s time that it stops. I’ve stopped investing into myself, worrying about physical things; my body, the food that I eat, paying my debts(money).

I’ve been working so hard(physically) to ground myself, and to secure my future, so much that I barely realized that I was busy tying myself up…

But I am grounded.

I’ve been so busy focusing on grounding myself that I’ve almost forgotten that there is a next chakra, that there are six more that I need to place my focus on to become balanced.

I am a physical being.

I am an emotional being.

But I am also a spiritual being.

My life is stable and I am safe and grounded. And most importantly I am calm. What comes next?

It is time to shift the focus just a little bit higher up my spinal cord. Orange is the new red. It’s time to test the water, see if I can move forward without losing what I have gained. I wonder if I am grounded enough to grow, spiritually, bigger than my roots.

I have gained safety and stability in meditation

A blue Monday; Dearly Beloved

There is no colour of the rainbow that a Monday could possibly be. Not even purple.

I won’t go out of my way to write about all the bad emotions, feelings and things of today, but being emotional overall can only lead to bad things

I’m not trying to over share, but for the sake of female understanding, I’ll just add, its that time of the month.

Emotions make me paranoid about everything! I’ve been feeling blue since Sunday…mostly because my dearly beloved had to go back home for the week to work and I won’t be seeing him for at least five days. That doesn’t sound like many but when you’re in love a week can feel like an eternity. Just the tiniest misunderstanding or misinterpretation feels like the end of the world.

Paranoid I said. Fear of abandonment.

Fear; you are a fucker.

I was laying in the bath, being all emotional and sad and afraid, I came to the realization that I was grounded even before I entered this relationship. I had the dreams and desires of having a partner; someone to share my life with, to share in my adventures, my hopes, my dreams.

Then entered he and all those dreams came true, but I was grounded before.

It felt like I might shatter if for some reason this relationship doesn’t work out. In previous relationships that ended I always managed to land on my feet. While in those relationships I could still envision a life, a good life, an plan B for if I ended up alone. But with this relationship. I can barely remember what life was like before he came along. The emotional pain, the wreckage of self, if this should not work out, will surely kill me. If not my body, but everything invisible to worldly eyes. I can not imagine anything mattering afterwards. I can not imagine or envision a good life without my dearly beloved.

That scares me…

I’m in the wild lands. Unknown wilderness.

For once in my life I will have to have faith in someone. Trust someone, completely. I have to stop being alone. This is all new.

To me our love feels elegant, humble, calm, strong and exceedingly grounded. I need to be grounded by something else. No love has ever felt this calm, nor stable. I’ve never trusted any ov my previous love’s, but this one, this one has only given me reason to trust. And I trust.

His love has grounded me to more than just him. His love has calmed and tamed me.

He has made me safe and secure.

Begin: Day 4

I once(or more than once) promised myself that I would never be one of those people that live for the weekends. I also promised myself, and numerous others, that I would never be a social bunny. Now here I am. Broken all my promises.

Okay, so maybe I’m not a complete bunny kind of rabbit.

It’s Friday. I should be content.

I’ve been back in my rabbit house, my vegan hole, for three days. Today being the fourth day. I feel fantastic, healthy, clean, light and very un-bloated and stuffy. Also, I’ve shrinked to a slightly more acceptable me-size(that’s a thing). I quite enjoy having skinny, bony legs…not that I’m there yet. Three days can do allot, but not such wonderful magic.

So, it is Spring once again in SA. The perfect time to start something new. Even if it’s not the first time I’ve started this “new thing”. But it’s the season for all things to come out and blossom with their new beauty! In a fresh light…

Wednesday was groceries day, the last day of winter, quite perfect timing. There were loads of fresh fruits(from fresh places) along with fields and forests showing of their new leaves. It was a nice sunny day, although the Cape has the terrible habit of always being windy and stormy.

Being a foodie and all, and it being the day of my interview with the chef school that I’m applying to, it naturally lead to a little bit of a shopping spree. At least I spend all my money on healthy foods.

The Vegan Hole

And down we go, swallowed whole, back down the rabbit – vegan – hole…
And healthy too. Balanced as well. Better for overall happiness and well-being too.

Yes, I’m vegan again. This was not a decision I’ve made lightly, nor is it one that I will go back on. Okay, so maybe I won’t be a perfect vegan. But lets face it, this is part of who I am; who I’ve always been. Besides, the past few non-vegan months has been an terrible disaster…let me make a list of cons, before I further proceed with everything that I want to say.

  1. Gained weight
  2. Always feel heavy and tired
  3. animals no longer like me as much as they used to
  4. feel disconnected from nature
  5. life’s gotten boring, in some sense

Okay, so there are some of the cons. I really needed to get that off my chest and on to paper.

The main reason I quit my vegan, healthy ways before was because I’m applying for chef school, and in order to get through chef school I have to be able to taste and test on non-vegan meals. None the less, I will submit to the rules of chef school and still follow the vegan diet of my choice as far as I can manage. I’ll just say it now; I will not become one of those pain in the ass vegans!

What I missed most about the old vegan days/what I’m looking forward to again.

  1. I used to feel connected to nature and animals
  2. being a part of some sort of community (I felt like there was something bigger than just myself and my personal choice that I was a part of. Like some sort of family. And yes, sometimes there was war with some carnivores, and that was also sometimes fun)
  3. I felt healthy. “What you eat you become”. No matter on what sort of pig out or eating spree I was on, I never had to worry about gaining weight. As long as I ate healthy, clean foods I was untouchable.
  4. The #vegan. Yes, I missed using that hash-tag.

Once you/anyone/me get in to a healthy, balanced pattern(lifestyle) it gets fun, it becomes normal, easy, safe. In my experience, everything else falls in to place as well.

It only takes 2 weeks to form a habbit.The first 2 weeks are filled with withdrawal “pain”. A tiny HELL!So I’ve decided to write about it, as with anything. And keep track and stay motivated.

The plan: eat clean, fresh and mostly raw(to save nutrition). I like the way the Rastafariars eat their foods as plain and pure as possible. And being a student of nutrition I know for a fact that is the healthy way.

It is a new month which means…GROCERIES! I’m excited. My plan is to once a month buy my “preserved” and legume foods, once a week buy my stash of fresh fruits and vegetables…which I hope to live of mostly. Naturally I have my own little herb garden in the making, and I’ve planted some veggies , but its still a while before I can harvest.

This is a journey I’d like to commit to lifelong, and force it down on to my children someday…but who knows what the future and my husband will hold. I’d like to capture and share what I learn and experience along this adventuress road.