A Beautiful Mess

I feel really excited, anxious, sad and exceedingly happy all at the same time.

I was reading a blog post from someone else. On a journey recovering from depression, self harm, binge eating…writing about how she feels; she’s only going in a downward spiral, and that maybe one day she’ll be able to say she’s recovered…

That made me sad. In my opinion no one will ever truly be healed, whole, but no one is completely broken either. I don’t believe in any set thing, I have my own messed up way of dealing with my own anxieties and crappy emotions…dealing with life. And it works for me. Well, it works sometimes.

But it’s not to say it will work for anyone else. I have my own unique life, I take the really horrible times one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. Although I fully know the feeling of wanting to stop existing because life is too unbearable.

I don’t believe that by focusing on your problems, sitting down to deal with them until they are all sorted out, you can fix them…in my own experience those where my lowest times.

You deal with life as it comes. Stay busy. Do new things…but have a safe haven, a person, a home, a hobby, just something that might bring you joy or take all your attention for a while as life sorts itself out.

Its okay not to be okay. It’s okay to make mistakes and feel horrible.

But just get through it. Let shit go! Let it takes it’s natural course. Just hang on. Stay in bed the whole day if that is what it takes. Hell, stay in bed the whole week.

I’m so grateful for my life. And I know for a fact that I don’t appreciate it enough, I never have.

I’ve been born in to a house that has always had enough, in a loving home with two brothers that has been my frenemies through my entire life.

I’ve been able to express in more way than one way. I’ve always had my own space…more than enough! I’ve had fields and forests and mountains to explore.

I’ve been blessed with talents, creativity and hunger for life and knowledge being my favourite.

I’m about to finish a cheffing course, which has been hard and horrible at times, but I’ve learnt so much about myself and humanity. I’d never want to take it back. I’ve been busy, my depression has been at a minimal these past six months. Yoga, good friends and being too busy to fuss has helped tremendously for me.

I’m about to marry my favourite person in the world. And although he is humanly flawed and a little messed up in his own special way, I can’t wait to start this messy life with him.

And most importantly I’ve noticed this great capacity of myself, to love and understand human pain.

I’ve learned to see the beauty in the most ugly things.

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