3 May : The last haul

I’m back in Hermanus, in my flat. Empty as a rat hole, it only has the most necessary pieces of clothing, my bedding and pillows, my yoga mat that is currently rolled out, some green tea and brown rice and lentils, a new Ganesha statue that I bought today(a really shiny Indian looking one), a new pair if really cute boots and a couple of old books on nutrition that didn’t fit in the car when I took all my stuff back home to Napier.

It’s empty and not homey, but right now I need space to think, empty space and time to focus. Focus on my chef friends and school and my yoga and lastly, and most importantly myself and my own inner peace.

My place is empty.

I don’t like it all that much, but it’s time I dealt with myself and find a new sort of balance within myself. The one I haven’t found yet because I’ve been too focused on everything and everyone else. I’ll constantly be needing new, fresh balance…but this one is for my sanity and my future.

I’m not awfully fond to be back, and away from Steven. I hate being away from Steven more than anything else in the world. I hate not being with him. I hate missing him.

I loved our morning coffees. And I love our “picket fence” life.

Funny, on my last day at home we went to eat lunch at the restaurant where I had worked, he pointed over across the road to another house with a brown, wooden picket fence and told me he wants to put a fence just like that on our front porch to keep the dogs in and give us some privacy from the road. Funny, I’ve never told him about the picket fence…and that I think we have a picket “fence life”.

Being back, and these last two weeks have only made me ever so certain that I do not want to be a “chef in the kitchen”. I despised ever second, half the course I was simply exhausted and drained from stress and too many people. On the two weeks internship that only thing that got me through each day was knowing I could go home that afternoon and go pass out on the bed, in the safety and silence of my own space.

I can’t live that way.

I’ll figure out yet what I’ll do with my life, and I love making nice healthy foods. But what I know with absolute certainty is that I do not want to be a chef.

I’m not dropping my course, I’ll finish it and get something behind my name. I’m still enjoying some last time with my friends this coming month and seven days.

But I need to spend my life doing something that excites me just as much as seeing Stevens face excites me when he comes home from work, or when I step on to my yoga mat on rainy days in full yoga attire, or I’m crawled up in bed with some tea and a good book. When I’m on a flow with a piece of writing or a piece of story. Watching gardens thrive that I planted and feed. Going for Sunday walks in my home town…

Those things excites me. Those things make me see the beauty of life. Makes me feel alive.

Not a restaurant’s kitchen or a full bank account.

These are many obstacles, but the little Ganesha sitting next to me on my bedside table and I are going to have a few very long chats. And we’ll figure it out yet.