18 April 2017 : Moving to the start

Going day to day from now on…for the next few weeks.

I’m sitting at home on the couch half asleep with my cup of coffee. A cute new cup that me and my fiancée bought yesterday at the five rand store. The cup is humongous, cute, green and has the face and form of a tiny owl. The front door is open, I can hear the little birds chirping away outside The sun is shining golden on the already half golden wall.

Despite all these beautiful and contagiously wonderful things, these things that would usually fill me with utter joy, I’m still filled with anxiety.

Today is my first day at a two week internship, and I have an absolute paralysis-fear for first days..well actually anything that I don’t know. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I’m not adventurous, but I’m not a diver of deep unknown pools.

What can I say, it’s not me?

Besides the nerves cracking me up, I’m trying to keep a sane mind, besides, yesterday was a great day. I packed up all my sentimental stuff at my flat in Hermanus, by sentimental I ,mean pretty much most of the stuff I own, that place is empty now. I think the salt and pepper that I left could quite possibly be 50% of the things I left there, and I’m already starting to get a strong longing to them.

Me and Steven(my fiancée) spent most of our morning packing up the flat, in to the car. Packing up books, my Buddha statues, plants, groceries…pretty much everything that I could fit in the car. The three little cactus/fat plants that used to stand in my bedroom windowsill with my hand crafted wooden Buddha stood on back of the back seat, tending as decorations for anyone looking through the back windscreen. I would have kept them there if they weren’t going to wilt in the heat of the car.

We had a long shopping day planned, but of course we ignored the obvious sign that it was a public holiday and all the shops were closed, don’t ask what holiday, I have a habit of not giving a damn about dates or special days. Except for Christmas and birthdays. But I think it’s more about the value of the gifts than it is of the actual value of the holiday.

We did find some shops open though, (like the five rand store). I finally found myself a yoga mat! I’ve been wanting one for so long, the first thing I did when we got home after we unpacked the car(actually, Steven was still busy carrying out suitcases and boxes of books) was unroll my mat and turn earthwards in downward facing dog. It was exhilarating wonderful feeling that seeped through me as I saw my toe prints on the spongy dark turquoise sponge-plastic mat.

Mostly it’s just nice to be home, in my little half decorated haven.

Reality hasn’t kicked in, but as I know myself it probably won’t until the two weeks is over and I’m back at school and everything has turned to memories.

I’m still struggling to get hold of my reality.

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15 April 2017: My reality

150 pounds, and absolutely human.

It’s the first time I feel relatively myself for the first time in days. I’ve been sky high and over a billion galaxies in the past few days.

So I thought I’d write. Since it feels as if I’ve forgotten my past and all sense of reality. Although I feel highly confused and floating, it seems like the most sane, most me thing to do. To write.

Chaos turns me to this page. Life seems a little chaotic now and I’d like to experience something familiar just to get me back down to earth.

I’ve been on the effects of something beyond this world for the past 48 hours, to be honest it feels like I’ve been spiralling down a black hole for the past 48 hours.

I’ve been paralysed, unable to move, think or speak. All my deepest darkest fears had come to the surface, being stuck in a place where I am misunderstood, don’t know what surrounds me, and I feel utterly alone.

Even though my fiancée was somewhere else in the same house the entire time, once my thoughts turned inside nothing on the outside even had any familiarity, just to prove how utterly alone we truly are in the world. I spent the whole night locked up in the bedroom rolling around, waiting for the high to pass, trying to fall asleep, literally spiralling around the world. Time ceased to stop, millions of years went past, except everyone else in the house stayed in the past. I floated around the cosmos for lifetimes, forgot everything I’ve lived through in my short 20 years of this life.

One of my single moments of clarity I found in that haze was, what I believe a exposure of love, truth is, the only thing I did not forget was my fiancée. All I wanted in my hours of darkness was just for him to be with me, he was all I could remember of my life.

However human he might be, flawed to perfection, all I felt I needed; was him. That is something of significance to me, however chaotic and scary those few hours of darkness was, I still learnt something from it, that I do have everything I need in life; love.

I have an obscene sense of love, crazy in quantity. It’s all bundled up inside me, waiting to escape out on to a page, in to a plate, a canvas.

These past few hours have given me clarity; to live life for love.

Not necessarily romantic love, but to express my love in every day and every aspect of my life.

To make our home a place of safety to us and to others, to be able to express everything with art, food and flowers,gentle music and cups of warm, strong coffee, smells of fresh bread and glasses of wine.

It’s hard turning from a goal like perfection and turning to the only thing truly perfect even in all it’s faults and imperfections. Lets face it, everyone has their flaws, everyone screws up, even when they love someone or something.

I’m heading in to two weeks of internship at a small family restaurant in my home town. I expect it from myself to heal all the wounds I have created, to myself, my home and to my life over these past few days and months of confusion.

I’ve been unable to love or serve anyone but myself in my exhaustion and confusion of the past days, I just want to get some rest and peace. I just want to be back to a calm, safe place. To know I can get up at a certain time in the morning, meditate, drink my coffee, write a bit, going out and cooking and then being able to go home and to be home, just to be in that place of joy and safety.

I want to get back to reality, or create one since I no longer remember what reality was.

I don’t plan on creating a white picket fence life, even though it might sound that way to others when I describe what I want for my life; a husband, a cosy home, my dog, a garden full of life and greenness, a 10 to 5 job, two babies…etc. But in my head what I want is not a white picket fence life, its having a safe haven when all the rest of the worlds seems to be crumbling slowly to an end.

For now I’m in my bed, having just slept the entire afternoon away, crawling back to reality piece by every little piece, I’m writing with my cup of vanilla green tea, heading for my last Sunday lunch service in two weeks. I’m still a chef student, almost at the end of my course; thank god, I miss home.

I still feel tired, I’m hungry, worried about my man. And I still feel the need to express more in to this page, but my words have run out and I have said everything that needs to be said.